Powerful lessons to learn from failure

Failure has always been often understood as the polar opposite of success. The definition of failure can be impacted by social norms and greatly impacted by an individual or community’s belief system.
Failure is the absence of success, and success is the absence of failure, right? If we accept failure and success as antonyms, and look at them in a “black and white” perspective we could be deceived into thinking failure as something that takes place on a straight line of personal successes. That by following the right path long enough we’re succeeding until we fail, and that by breaking the stride we’re bound to lose the momentum and to be knocked back on our ass, back to where we started from – or in a worse place.

Let’s try to stray away from the catastrophic meaning we’ve been attributing to the concept of failure. The first step to achieve a deep understanding of every concept is to firstly deconstruct it, so let’s try to deconstruct the concept of failure.

What is, and is not, failure?

Failure is a natural and unavoidable part of life, the unpredictability of existence is one of the universe’s natural laws and our expectations might clash with the chaos that rules the cosmos.

Failure is pain, it might not be forever but the consequences of defeat bring disappointment and a sense of unfulfillment that might have debilitating effects on people. Once we’ve accepted the inevitability and unavoidable nature of failure, we can start embracing the options we have left after our original path has been “closed off” by failure. Imagine hiking through the forest for a whole day only to find one of the paths blocked off by a fallen tree. Would you turn around and walk back home or climb the trunk, or at least look for another path around it?

Another thing failure is not is an identifier, failing doesn’t make you a failure, after hiking the path and finding the fallen tree would you think the tree was put there on purpose to stop you, or would you even go as far as identifying with the tree itself?

Identifying yourself with your mistakes will only take you down a toxic path of self sabotage. Instead, failure stimulates us to find alternatives and to think outside the box, after the pain is gone humans will always bounce back.

How to bounce back though? Are there ways to minimise the devastating effects of the blows to the ego that personal failures can have? There are many different kinds of failure: technical, competence, moral, parameter or subjective failure – and although we might not have a say in what happens before the “event” that triggers our unhappiness, we can somehow control our reaction to it.

How to build resilience

Emmy Werner, an American developmental psychologist, coined the term psychological resilience during her studies in the mid 70s. Resilience is the capacity of recovering from a traumatic experience and the ability of returning to a pre-crisis status quickly.

How to build and exercise perseverance? Let’s start set some things straight first, perseverance is a term that has been thrown around a lot in the past years, however it seems to me like the focus of the “act” of recovering from a traumatic experience is oftentimes put on the shoulders of the single individuals, rather than focusing on the broader picture. In order to fail “successfully” you need to be in a safe state of mind and in a safe environment. Having a network of support around you, whether it includes parents, family, colleagues or peers, will make a world of difference in how quick you’ll be able to bounce back. Having people to share your fears and discomfort with will help you feel seen and less alone, the right support group will support you by providing feedback and encouragement. If you’re feeling down, ask for help.

Alas, a supportive network is a privilege some people might not have access to, in this case the only way we can turn to for support is inwards – but how to overcome failures by ourselves?

1. Have clear goals

Know what you want and how you’re trying to achieve it. After failure might come a moment when you feel lost and without a purpose, and the lack of a goal usually brings with it procrastination. Breaking this toxic cycle might help you get back on your feet.

2. Take your time

It takes time to recover from disappointment. Be kind to yourself and try to avoid throwing yourself onto the next project before you’ve fully made peace with what led to failing the first time.

3. Try new experiences

If the tree is blocking your path and walking around it feels like an herculean task, maybe its time to go scuba diving.

4. Acknowledge your past achievements

Compare yourself to yourself, everyone moves at their own pace. A failure does not negate all the personal or professional goals you’ve achieved! People you don’t even know might be looking up to you and admiring your path to success, try to do the same.

5. Address your limits

Learning from your mistakes will help you build an evidence-based archive of wisdom and experience.

6. Live in the moment

Nowadays our self worth is frequently based on our achievements and failures. “What do you do in life” is a question that I usually answer by describing my job and maybe my hobbies. It is no surprise then that a professional or sportive setback might critically undermine my sense of self worth. Grounding yourself in what makes or breaks your day on a daily basis might help overcoming these feelings.

In conclusion, (I know it might seem very cliché but so are many other things): Keep your optimism, the only way to completely avoid failure is to never do anything.